Today I woke, hoping the knot in my stomach was gone, that I didn’t spend the entire night with my teeth clenched and that after 5 days my body would finally relax and stop being so tense.
Unfortunately all those symptoms were still there… I have checked my calendar and I’m 3 days past my last fertile day. I have been experiencing nausea and dizziness since yesterday, it’s a tell tale sign my hormones are changing. I’m pretty sure Day 17 means my estrogen levels have dropped and progesterone is rising, which means a whole heap of shitty symptoms for me. Woo hoo ! On a more positive note the sudden change in my hormones means that I’ll be in my “better week” very soon. Yep being “allergic” to your own hormones makes you very in tune with your body; my menstrual cycle and I are very well acquainted. (Unfortunately)
Hmmmm….Just give me a second …I’m just reminiscing on the days where I would be just getting on with life happily and then….. Oh hello! Aunt Flo would suddenly make her rude monthly appearance. A few times I was totally unprepared for her visit so I would have to make a quick dash up to the shops to stock up on necessities. I miss those days…..
Now she gives me a weeks’ notice, it’s like…” Battle down the hatches I’m on the way… stock that fridge up with chocolate and wine, don’t worry about proper food you won’t be able to cook let alone eat. Remove all sharp objects because… I’m back baby… and ill make your life shit for at least 3 weeks”.
My lovely angels have been fighting constantly for the past 2 weeks, they have both been having more tantrums, more tears and falling asleep in the middle of the day. I think they both are having some sort of growth spurt. My youngest Addison has been waking in the night frustrated I thought it might be an eczema flare up but maybe its growing pains. Dealing with their mood swings has been extra challenging, since I have my own moods to deal with aswell. I have just messaged my sister to see if she can take Mackenzie for the day so hubby and I can both have a break from the constant fighting.
Yesterday Troy occupied the kids up stairs for two hours while I laid in an Epsom salt bath, my body was aching so much and I just needed some quiet time.
I also received a text message from a friend of mine who offered to shout me out to the movies to see Beauty and the Beast to help take my mind of things. Even though my anxiety was screaming NOOOOO DON’T DO IT! I said yes because I knew that spending some time with friends is just what I needed. We met up with a few other friends of ours aswell. I was sitting in my seat watching the movie, my whole body was tense, I was clenching my teeth, my heart was racing and I was swallowing back the nausea I felt.. I tried to push all those feelings out of my head so I could try to enjoy the movie. As I sat there I couldn’t help but think… So this is what my life has come to? It’s a movie for goodness sake and my body is acting like I need to be on alert just in case at any second someone might try and kill me.
My body ended up figuring out there was no concern for panic and I did have lovely my time with my friends and I felt pretty damn special to be to be shouted out for a girls night. I did end up realising something though… since my PMDD has gotten worse I don’t really enjoy life…I force myself to go out and do things as I know I can’t just sit at home forever! Don’t get me wrong I still have enjoyable moments but it’s really hard to completely enjoy yourself when you constantly feel unwell.
I ended up having an argument with Troy this afternoon about the kids; Addison has been in a shocker of mood even when she didn’t have her sister around to argue with. I was feeling smothered as she has just been all over me. It feel like it’s every second she is saying “Mummy I want you” She climbs up on lap and she grabs at my clothes, hair, oh theirs mummy’s eyes (poke) oh mummy’s nose (tries to stick her fingers up them). I ended up going for a walk to try clear my head. My legs would only carry me half way around the block, my whole body is so fatigued and I’m so nausea’s the symptoms remind me of how I felt when I was in the first trimester of pregnancy.
As this is one of more difficult day’s symptoms wise I wanted to write exactly how PMDD can make me feel:
Your brain feels like mush, your memory is poor. Your actually scared one day you’re going to wake up and forget who you are. Your digestive system is going crazy, your constipated one minute, rushing to the toilet with diarrhoea the next. Your bladder needs to empty itself 6 times in a single hour. Your hot no you’re actually cold ummm you’re hot again. You love your husband one minute and filing for divorce the next. If one more person chews, breaths or coughs there will be blood shed. I’m angry, I’m sad, I’m laughing ….now I’m crying. My joints ache I am only 29 but I feel 99. My hair is thinning; it’s so dry it feels like straw. I have permanent dark circles under my eyes; my skin is so dry it’s flaking.
I’m so bloated I look 6 months pregnant. Every day my weight fluctuates from fluid retention. You’re so tired but no matter how much sleep you get, you still wake feeling tired. You hungry one minute your nausea’s the next. You can’t breathe; your heart races and you can’t stop sweating.
You don’t want to be touched, you feel suffocated if someone sits close to you. Over thinking is an everyday occurrence and often your head is swimming with thoughts that leave you feeling terribly anxious. You no longer look forward to anything, as each day is just a matter of survival. You have no passion and no longer think about the future.
You hate this empty person you have become.
PMDD… A war your constantly fighting that no one else can see.
This will be my own personal reminder to myself of the darker days of PMDD. I cannot live like this! I need to be brave, stop second guessing myself and if Zoladex works and surgery is the next step, I need to do it not just for myself but for my family aswell.